Blurred faces, blurred screams. Trapped inside a blurry nightmare where I can’t make out what death is. Tomorrow will be the end. A numb pain echoes through the night, breaking wind to get to the stage, and give a darling performance of battle. No armour, I’m naked, exposed from my jeans and Tshirt. Standing in the centre of it all
Everyone thinks that I’m better, that depression is no longer a problem. I’m the happy friend who smiles and laughs at everything but in reality I don’t even want to get out of bed most mornings and I feel like a failure in almost every part of my life. I struggle every day but I’m so afraid to reach out and disappoint the people who tried so hard to support me because I’m not actually better. I just got better at hiding it. always have this fake smile and fake positive attitude, making everyone think I’m perfectly normal and happy, but when I get home. I’m always sensitive, crying all night, never getting sleep, and worst of all self harming and plotting suicide, along with my attempted suicide over the last few years. I’m so tired that even acting like I’m fine in front of my friends seems like too much and so I don’t say anything and just stare or act like I read all day, hoping they’ll accept the fact that I’m ‘just tired’ or ‘just not feeling well’.
I feel like lying if I say I’m depressed, but I also feel like lying saying I am not. The thing I know for sure is, that’s sometimes it’s just so exhausting fighting a fight against yourself, knowing you can’t go out of this fight without losing. I keep on thinking about dying and injuring myself even though I have literally no reason to, and every time I try and stop by telling myself that, it only makes me feel worse. I’ve only told one of my friends, and even then I haven’t told her everything. I’m just so scared that one day I won’t be able to stop myself from just thinking about these things and I’ll end up doing something I’ll regret…I am depressed and have suicidal thoughts yet I always recovered. This time.. I’m not so sure if I will survive. I cannot deal with anything in my life anymore. I’m trying my best, but it’s never enough. I need to stop caring. I am not meant to live in this world. I don’t belong here. Just let me go please.