Remember when I used to wait for you until you get home? Then I’d ask if how was your day and how were you. You’d tell me about what had happened to you and to those people who surrounded you on that same day. You’d tell me stories I had nothing to do with. But I’d still listen not because I didn’t want to waste your effort but because I loved hearing you telling stories about you, your life and your world. I love hearing you ranting about certain shit and the abnormality of the weather and other stuff like how people made fun of you then how you’d react using your natural cuteness.
Remember when I played the role as your patient? I was your stupid little hardheaded patient who did nothing and wasn’t able to help you with your assignments. See how useless I was to you? I only have said shit about my shit self. But I did try, I tried to fit in though we’re in hella different field. You as a concern earthborn about health while I as an unconcerned being about mine’s.
I started writing this around 6pm, few days after our last conversation. I remembered you. Everything about you. The places where I used to be at when I was talking to you over the phone. Do you know what time is it? 11:14pm, few days after I started this. I kept on staring at the last three messages you sent me, thoughts after thoughts are clashing inside my head. I wanted to figure out what’s true from lie. I wanted to know what’s the truth for every lie. I wanted to know if you were true to me. I wanted to know if every emotion from you was genuine. But I kept on asking myself, what did I do to you? I’m tired of blaming myself for every fault that wasn’t made by me. I’m tired of thinking and thinking over the same things. I found myself missing you mostly at 6pm until 3am. The time when everyone prefers to go home, be at home and rest. I found myself comforted by you as my another home.
Every passing day became blurry. Stories about you and your ex, about your ex and her stories, and about you and your own stories. I never thought you’d tell everything about me to other people. I shouldn’t have trusted you, I guess. Because I? I didn’t broadcast your life because I didn’t want to hear people judging you behind your back. Do you know what I felt? Investigating everything? Investigating each of you? I felt a bit disappointed, a bit hurt, a bit angry, a bit fucked up about everything. I felt I was trapped. Trapped by demons.
Remember when we used to plan for our future? We used to imagine about our soon to be family. It was euphoria. Euphoria, only for me I suppose. I remember those moments you kept on asking me about the ‘Marry Me’ thing. Those swearing of forever and your love. Were all of those true? I bet a no.
I spliced everything from the moment we met and to the moment we ended our thing. I scanned photos from our Skpe screenshots to those pictures of you on Facebook. Do you know what was my biggest mistake? It’s not loving you, but trusting you. Entrusting my being to someone who had no plan to be real to me. I started to continue this almost two months right after I figured out everything and your plan. I’m over dude, but I’m still not over to the fact that I chose again a bullshit person to trust knowing that I have told you about my shitty past. Do you think you’re good at stalking and saying a good lie? Yes, yes you are but I’m way better than your capabilities. But then again, I won’t step down to your level. And oh, congratulations for successfully managing to give time to me upon giving time to your soon to be girlfriend back then. Thank you for breaking down my trust issue, you know, you have gained my chances to never trust people again. I still cannot think or give even myself a reason why you did that to me. I loved you all the way every person wanted to be loved. Good luck to your karma.